….when you spend all day surfing the web. s’whew, this bookstore stuff is hard work.

or maybe it’s “this ignoring your bookstore responsibilities is hard work.” yeah, that’s more like it.

there are literally enough books sitting atop our counters to make a small castle (or as our friend, Tyler, from up at Pop’s Resale calls it – “a book fort”. )

in fact, i’ve even started hoarding books all over the store and not just on our counters. the routine kinda goes like this: customer brings in “x” number of bags/and/or/boxes filled with books that are (choose one)

1. positively awesome
2. kinda good
3. pretty bad
4. absolutely horrendous
5. oh my god, dude, seriously?

maybe we take in a tenth of “x” and the customer either takes the trade or the cash value; maybe they’ll buy another book or two, maybe not. or maybe we exchange evil glares at each other, one feeling they didn’t get enough and the other feeling like he paid out too much… or maybe there’s flirting – Crys and I are continually accusing one another of notorious flirting with our customers whenever the other is not around – “flirting” has yet to be fully proven or completely dismissed by either of us (and if you ever feel as if Crystal, not Ronald, is flirting with you then please feel free to lightly smack her on the wrist and say “Bad Crissy!” ) 

anyway, books are bought and then they pile up, that’s what i’m getting at. and they’ve piled up to such a degree that now i’ve had to resort to hiding them in plain sight. unpriced, improperly shelved books are everywhere! “excuse me sir, how much is this copy of To Kill A Mockingbird that i found wedged within the Kentucky cookbook section? There doesn’t seem to be a price on it. $free.50, perhaps?”

“No. Perhaps not.” ”Three bucks.”

i mean, i think it definitely adds to the used book atmosphere to have a thousand hardbacks scattered haphazardly (but in a stylish kinda way) throughout the store. customers love picking through those piles with reckless abandon; they actually seem to enjoy it… as if they just might find some long, lost arcane tome stashed between the Jayne Ann Krentz and Jane Fonda’s autobiography.

• and for the romance novel novices, our romance section is being completely disavowed! only Fern Michaels and possibly Nora Roberts will survive the mushy, heart-throb onslaught. so come get the Krentz, and others, while she lasts!

people love to pick through the unassorted piles. so much so that i’m currently thinking about just strewing books across the floor like book-pressed land-mines and making ka-boom noises every time someone steps on one. “KA-BOOOM!!!! you hafta buy that one now.”

see: i’m doing it now.

p r o c r a s t i n a t i n g.

i could’ve had a hundred books cleaned, priced, and shelved in the amount of time it’s taken me to craft this entry. those of yall with grandkids will know that one episode of spongebob (which doesn’t get the red, squiggly line from spellcheck, by the way… and yet “yall” still does!) where s.b. is putting off writing an essay for his boating instruction class; the mailman makes a delivery and spongebob goes off on oratorical tangent that causes the mailman to say “don’t you have an essay to write?” – i admit to actually enjoying that episode the first 100 times i saw it, but somewhere during the other 200 viewings it kinda lost its mirth. but i’m that same way… i’ll spend 2 hours wasting away online then do 10 minutes of actual work when a much welcomed Friend-of-the-Fig will enter the store, giving me reason to cohort with him over sports, video games, television, and/or any-other-excuse-known-to-mankind to stop what i’m doing to carry on a conversation which will last just long enough for me to feel like it’s time for another 2 hour internet “break”. but what i secretly wish is for a customer to lean across the counter and say this “don’t you have an essay to write?” at which point, i’d get up and process some books (with only mild to middlin’ amounts of sass talk under my breath).

daggonit… one of our volunteers just showed up expecting me to have books for her to shelve; sooooooooooo, i guess this is it for now – the ruination of my day with the need for actual work eating away into my free time. i hope it gets a belly ache. the hazards of blogging live, i suppose.

……………….

come in and say “don’t you have an essay to write” to Ronald and he’ll give you $2 credit toward the purchase of any book, used or new. offer ends April 1st, 2013.

debating on whether or not Robin Sloan owes a man some royalties. the synapsis for his novel, Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore seems awful close to my life story…

the “facts”:

1. “penumbra” was a favorite word of mine heavily featured in many of my earlier poems. so much so that a critique group i once belonged to forbade me from ever using it again in my work.

2. i suck at graphic design. i’m no Chip Kidd… unless you squint. and it’s dark. and Chip Kidd is a loaf of bread away from abject poverty.

3. i co-own a bookstore.

4. i am so down with time travel and magical realism.

5. ______________________________________ (this spot reserved for a major, major damning piece of indisputable evidence which hasn’t been recovered yet but darn well might be when i get a chance to actually sit down to read the book)

i mean, i’m not a “lawyer” per se, but the father of one of our regular customers was and he’s always giving me pretty good advice. for him to not actually BE a lawyer.

………….

stay tuned; more to come.

- Ron

Listen: anyone who knows me knows how i shun speaking before crowds like vampires avoid the sun; Crystal is the carnival barker holding down the 3 rings and i’m the guy cleans up behind the camels and forgets to feed the lions (on time)…. except i’m less the “guy” and more the “shadow of the guy”. or better yet: the ghost of the shadow of the guy.

so when Crys became ill over the weekend and was unable to host last night’s open mic featuring poets Teniece Delgado and Leigh Anne Hornfeldt then i too became a little ill. well, maybe not “ill” – more like resigned, as one might become when he knows the gallows await. i was resigned to the fact that a hangin’ was a-comin’. mine. and i always botch it when i hang; the crowd gets upset, little kids start shooting spit wads at me, someone always throws a shoe, etc. (why is someone always throwing a shoe!?!?! next open mic i’m instituting a barefoot rule; not even socks! 3 feet of snow outside? i don’t care!).

thank god i’m good at wrangling innocent bystanders into doing my chores; the only part of Tom Sawyer i remember from class was the part where he talked other kids into painting fences for him like they should be grateful to him for that opportunity. what kid doesn’t want the ability to talk other kids into doing hard labor for them? and let’s not call them a dupe, let’s go with something like “friends… with benefits”.

okay, maybe not that. how about “a friend of the fig”, instead.

i just needed another kid to walk into the bookstore at the precise time….

enter a kid named Jude.

i love Jude.

Hey, Jude! (remind me to ask him how many times someone’s said that to him!)

Jude McPherson saved the day: the event desperately needed a host who was entertaining, could capture attention, and keep folks engaged and he more than filled that role. if Clark Kent changes into Superman then Superman changes into Jude McPherson. the Wild Fig is in his debt. much appreciated. but i’m running short on time, so enough about him, okay? 

and enough about me, for that matter… this post isn’t about either one of us.

it ain’t even about Crystal, although it should be because she’d received so many well-wishes yesterday (for the record: she’s doing much better… she’s home now… if you haven’t already, then please facebook her and send her your support; thank you!)…

this post is about these two people:

Leigh Anne Hornfeldt and Teneice Delgado. 2 outstanding writers who presented their work to us last night. Leign Anne read from her chapbook, East Main Aviary from Flutter Press. let me quote from part 2 of her poem, Price Avenue:

Once I was a bull standing in the door’s frame.

I laid hot breath on the glass pane

and told the children to go home.

and this, the opening lines from her poem, Barometer In December:

Weather is a bad influence

on the emotionally deficient

who eat sunlight as vitamins.

now, we don’t necessarily do “reviews” here at the Fig, but we do offer serious endorsements whenever the work of good authors moves us. and if you ever find yourself looking for a good Kentucky poet, then i recommend Leigh Anne. and her bookstore-chitlin-circuit-running-buddy ain’t too shabby either… Teneice’s chapbook, Burden of Solace (Cervena Barva Press) makes history lessons fun… “fun” in how she takes a very somber subject (Irish slavery in the Americas) and writes about it so well you smile afterwards (?!?!) …okay, strike “fun”; it’s very serious, but dammit i enjoyed it!

from Mary-Margaret:

Let her go, Mary Margaret,

the old landlord said, at least she’ll

be warm, have a bite to eat. Not

like here. He was trying to

be kind. Still my mother held

on, wisps of old lullabies sung

into my hair. You must be very

good, iníon. If you are bad, I will

be lonely in Heaven.

(for the record, our microphone clip is the devil, but we kept it at bay)

(Teniece via Jude via me)

seriously, should you ever get the chance to hear either of them (or the both together, their energy feeds well off each other), then please take the opportunity to do so. In the very least, do yourself a favor and get their chapbooks. The Fig has them (for now!); i’m sure The Morris Book Shop has them (and check their calendar because I believe the duo has a reading there in January as well).

their poems won’t disappoint you. i promise.

…

and we had a great turnout. let me thank all of you who attended and those of you who wanted to attend but couldn’t. we hope to see you next time.

meanwhile, me and Jude have a comedy routine to practice. we’re thinking of taking our act on the road….

- ron. 

ps: and forget what i said… this post IS TOO about Crystal. without her there would be no Fig, no Fig Blog, no Fig Facebook, no dope poets spewing church on the mic behind the Fig pulpit. Everyone was and is praying for your speedy recovery.

used. books.

what a simple concept for retail: you collect as many previously owned books that are in the best possible shape and you offer them to the public at the most reasonable price possible; a benefit to your customer and hopefully, in the process, to your ability to show enough of a profit to keep your doors open (an extra hopeful benefit: something that looks like a paid salary that allows you the chance to buy new socks in the winter… and maybe a really good bottle of wine every 6 months, IF you’re really, really lucky!)

((dreamily gazes out the storefront window remembering the once-a-week wine and cheese nights with Crystal and sighs deeply into the utility bills))

used. books. seriously, what a great concept, especially if you are a diehard devotee of perfect-bound literature, fiction or non-fiction. AND NEW BOOKS… let’s not forget those either – the crisp, clean feel of a brand new book is an intoxicating thing for the rare-animal, modern book-lover. Couple a good book (new or used) with a good bottle of wine and your whole life suddenly becomes the most wonderful fiction all in itself.

used. books. i mean, of course there’s tons of the used Nora Roberts / Fern Michaels / John Grisham that book shoppers can luck up on at various Saturday afternoon yard sales. Customers have spent $15 in gas driving around town, searching driveways and thrift stores for that one special copy of a Carl Hiaasen or Tony Hillerman mystery only to show up at our doorstep to mask the frustration of their literary goose chase with the surprised joy of finding the book they were looking for right there on our shelf… “If i had only known i would’ve came here first!” But sometimes, the truly dedicated penny-pinching book shopper will give in to their psychosis and place that one copy back on the shelf, attempting to negotiate for a lower price: “$3.50??? … yeeaaah, now that i know it’s here i think i’ll wait and see if i can’t find it elsewhere for less… i’ll probably just order it online for .10¢ or something.”

me: “and the $3.99 shipping fee? for a book that you won’t know what true condition it’s in until it arrives?!? …okay, suit yourself.” (now, if you really seem to want the book and you’re simply a quarter or two short, then of course we’ll take a little bit off the price because we want you to be happy… but that’s an insider secret… shhhhh!)

sometimes their patience will pay off – customers will return in a year and find that one book on the discount shelf for .50¢ or a dollar and they’ll be extremely happy; it won’t be the copy they original held in their hands because that one will have sold by then – the copy they have is the beat-up replacement that came later, but if they’re happy, we’re happy.

used. books.

but sometimes, that really rare book will come our way, like that 3-VOLUME CALVIN AND HOBBES HARDBOUND BOX-SET IN SLIP CASE IN “LIKE-NEW” CONDITION that sold yesterday evening. it came in a week ago and had been fondly handled by many dreamy-eyed customers, each one saying “$78? that’s really really cheap because i know it was originally $150 when it came out and is now out of print… but i still think i’m going to wait for the sale price and get it then.”

used. books. that $78 for a hard to find Calvin and Hobbes collection now valued waaay above that amount IS the sale price. such books very seldom get discounted much further because we’ve typically had to pay more than average to acquire them because we KNOW it will indeed sale, much sooner than later…  if “i’ll wait and get it later” is your answer for something like that then let me patronizingly pat you on your head now and pinch you on your cheeks because you are just so daggone adorable.

the CALVIN AND HOBBES collection is gone; hence the reason behind the title for this post.

folks hoping to get it for $10 or so less than listed are now very sullen faced, myself included! Calvin and Hobbes are still my favorite comic strip… that it even made to the floor to begin with is a minor miracle (why, oh why did i not keep it for myself!?!?!) that’s one of those books that may never come our way again… it’s an impulse purchase that you make with no hesitation at all, just as the woman who purchased it yesterday did.

“$78!?!?” she said… i received whiplash just watching her pull out her billfold. it’s going to be a gift for her 8 year old grandson.

it’s a pleasure when such customers take immediate action when recognizing the value of a purchase like that… the really sad part, from our perspective, is that we now lose a really cool item from our inventory; one that we’ll be hard-pressed to replace. currently, we have about 150 known rare or hard-to-find books on our shelves, most in the $20-25 price range and / or well below what you would expect to pay for them elsewhere in the conditions they are in. maybe nothing as cool as Calvin and Hobbes, but we’ve still got a few noteworthy items, such as that hardback copy of The Princess Bride ($35) and the limited edition 3-volume hard back collection of The Dark Tower (currently priced at $85 but will quite possibly end up at $100 by the end of the week).

used. books.

i mean, yeah… maybe it’s worth it to wait several months for that used copy of the James Patterson novel that just came out a month ago, priced at $12.50, to drop down a dollar or two, because the newer the book release the higher we price it (meaning you get more back in your choice of in-store credit or cash if we’ve purchased it from you for our shelves)… popular mysteries do come in pretty frequently – and if you can wait a year or two hoping to find it at a yard sale, then that’s fine; we’re blessed to have a great customer base who recognize the value of the 20,000 books currently in stock. and like many of our customers, we’ve also learned the lessons of holding off buying that hard to find book that becomes part of our inventory… i, too, really wanted that Calvin and Hobbes for myself.

(say, is that a tear drop floating in my coffee?!?!?!   …  why, yes, i do believe that it is….)

>>—–>  insert sad smiley face icon here  <—–<<

when the ‘used. books.’ equals the ‘rare. find’ you should never hesitate to act fully upon your gut instincts. an old friend from a manufacturing job called out of the blue a couple days ago. Walter. and i should have appreciated the omen when it occurred because Walt taught me years ago that hardworking, grown folks should never be afraid to indulge their harmless vices. Walt loved his lottery tickets and fine liquor. I’ve always had a thing for quality fountain pens and the unusual, artistic book find….

now, i can’t morally say that it’s the correct thing to do making a $70 pleasure purchase over buying groceries or paying a light bill, if that’s the situation you’re in, but when there are so few tangible, pleasurable items available and in our grasps, then let’s all agree to look blindly away when one of us enthusiastically purchases a guilty pleasure.

we’re grown, we’ve worked hard, and there are just some things in life we should never deny ourselves. a good book… a good

used. book.

our own aesthetically intimate utopia…

can there be a more innocent addiction than that?